Regeneration

Early spring 2003, fatigue and overwhelm set in. I gave myself permission to recharge and focus on my own self-growth for a few months, rather than focusing on others. This set the stage for a potent death-rebirth experience.

In May during the full moon lunar eclipse window, I journeyed into a primordial wilderness area. This particular canyon has a east and west entrance. For this journey we were entering on the west side. I didn't have any expectation, except to share the experience with a friend. As we thrust ourselves deeper into the canyon high rock walls engulfulfed us. A magnificent crane with full wing-span flew directly overhead within close proximity, as if to herald an auspicious omen. I was not in good hiking condition, and physical pain and constriction manifested on my right side.

As I journeyed, everything I saw appeared ominous and mirrored death. I was not my playful, lighthearted self! A sandy beach near the water became our refuge for the night. The following morning we climbed deep into a side-canyon with undulating walls which emulated a birth canal. I rested by a cave with a spring, with water dripping directly from the mossy rocks. Suddenly, a giant luminescent dragonfly circled around me, as if to say, "Pay attention. Spirit is setting the stage for an ego death experience!"

As I shared some insights with my friend, I felt even more tired. We discussed releasing judgment, seeing the benefit of shadow energy and transforming shadow into light. My perception was that by sharing, I was giving something away and leaving myself depleted. With increasing physical pain, we started our long hike back.

We reached another side canyon with huge boulders that created the illusion of an invisible shield which barricaded the entrance. Only those who paid attention would notice the almost invisible entry into this mysterious place. A mystical blanket of energy enveloped us as we passed through the portal. My friend moved ahead and appeared to be sucked into this creative vortex. She began to sing with wild abandon! As I proceeded I looked up and viewed the entrance to a womblike cave. A rush of energy came spewing from the opening. Suddenly I had an epiphany! The torrential floodgates opened and I experienced a release of trapped energy...my ego had released its unyielding grip! "Spirit" communicated a clear message to me. The insights were not mine to own. The insights passed through me from the etheric plane and my ego was thinking it was "mine"! With this thought, my sense of depletion left, and I experienced bouyancy in my body. As we left the canyon we saw bighorn sheep, a hummingbird, a rattlesnake and the largest gila monster I had ever seen.

The morning after the hike, I realized that I had created my own physical pain to bring old patterns of behavior and thinking into my awareness, in order to release them. For the next two weeks, I painted Rejeneration.

The Gila monster in the lower right of the painting, according to ancient wisdom, is believed to be endowed with magical healing powers. The dragonflies remind us to release old patterns that don't serve us. The hummingbird near the light expands the heart to express joy, love, sharing, and generosity. The crane at the top of the heart represents longevity, endurance of vital life force energy and regeneration. It also is symbolic of birth of speech...empowering oneself to speak and ownership of voice.
I had been responsible for creating the pain in my body. I was to learn how to heal myself. The excruciating pain was telling me to slow down and pay attention. Shadow energy from the past was trapped in my hip and right leg. A message from the deep past was trying to prevent me from moving forward, symbolized by the right leg. This set the stage for the second journey and painting "Exodus/ The Web".